So it's been a long time since I've posted anything. To be honest, I thought I was done. I thought I had said all there was to say about my trip. However, there still is more that needs to be said. The cultural adjustment back to the United States has been excruciatingly hard this semester. I think a lot of it is because I felt so at home in Scotland. It felt more like home than home to me. I was the most relaxed there than I have ever been in my life. I met amazing people, had amazing experiences. And now I'm back here. This small town where I feel like I don't fit in. Perhaps this is part of reverse culture shock, but it hasn't gone away. It's in fact gotten worse. I don't even feel like I fit in with this college anymore. I have to go back. Not just want to, but really have to. I'm not happy here. This semester has been such a struggle. In addition, I haven't gotten the support I need. And maybe it's because I don't know how to ask for it.
Take my sorority sisters for example. I can go with a group of them out, whether it's shopping or hanging a banner on campus. But yet, I don't say a single word, and none of them even notice that I'm not included. Lately it feels like they're just tearing me down. Whether it's criticizing my beliefs, making comments about how I look, not helping me when I need it, or even just ignoring me, it's taken a toll on me. And since I live in the house, it's very hard to escape it. Perhaps they don't mean to be malicious but they have no idea how much I'm battling.
That combined with the cultural dissonance has made each day a struggle. It feels so lonely, and is definitely painful. It's taken a physical toll on me this semester too, I've been frequently ill. Some support from my friends would be nice, but so far the only things I have gotten from them have been destructive. The best I can do right now is to drown myself in my work to get through this semester, and dream about the day I get to go back to my discovered home.
